Quick-soak beans: cover with water, boil 2 minutes, cover, rest 1 hour, then drain.
Render bacon in a large pot over medium heat until crisp, about 8 minutes.
Sauté onion and celery in the bacon drippings until softened, 5 to 6 minutes.
Stir in garlic, thyme, and smoked paprika; cook until fragrant, about 30 seconds.
Add drained beans, broth, and water. Bring to a gentle boil.
Reduce heat, partially cover, and simmer, stirring occasionally, until very tender, 60 to 75 minutes.
Mash a cup of beans against the pot to thicken the broth slightly.
Stir in butter and half-and-half. Simmer gently 10 to 15 minutes until creamy.
Season with salt, pepper, vinegar, and hot sauce to taste. Rest 5 minutes.
Garnish with parsley and serve warm.